tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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