PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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