I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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