so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
