I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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