My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
