god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
