My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
