Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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