Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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