Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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