just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
