Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
