Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
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He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
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I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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