i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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