my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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