That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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