theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
how drunk are you?
Several
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
