i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
