i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Randomize
