You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
