Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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