she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
