i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
