also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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