We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
