my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
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I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
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You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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