I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
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It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
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I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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