i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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