the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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