Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
