I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
