if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
