after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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