remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Randomize
