I wish I could punch you in the face.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
