Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
