Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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