Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He passed out mid-signature
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
