I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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