I'm going to jail i love you
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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