Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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