oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
nutella sex= disaster
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
