i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
