I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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