I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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