when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
