Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
