You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
