my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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