Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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