My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
