I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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