thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
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She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
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I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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