is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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