So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
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her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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